1 00:00:01,384 --> 00:00:02,092 -No. -No. 2 00:00:02,551 --> 00:00:05,259 I just found out that math was created by Muslims. 3 00:00:05,343 --> 00:00:07,509 Math teachers are terrorists! 4 00:00:07,593 --> 00:00:09,217 SELINA MEYER: How about for once in your life, 5 00:00:09,301 --> 00:00:11,509 you stop complaining and just man up. 6 00:00:11,718 --> 00:00:13,134 (APPLAUSE) 7 00:00:13,217 --> 00:00:15,384 I've decided to suspend my campaign 8 00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:17,301 for President of the United States. 9 00:00:17,551 --> 00:00:20,801 That bastard Ballentine caught shingles from Typhoid Jonah. 10 00:00:21,134 --> 00:00:23,051 That makes you the governor of Iowa! 11 00:00:23,134 --> 00:00:24,051 -AMY BROOKHEIMER: Ma'am. -SELINA MEYER: What? 12 00:00:24,134 --> 00:00:26,009 You are not going to believe it. 13 00:00:26,092 --> 00:00:28,092 Tom James is fucking Michelle. 14 00:00:28,426 --> 00:00:29,593 You can have Tibet. 15 00:00:30,426 --> 00:00:31,301 What? 16 00:00:31,926 --> 00:00:33,009 MEYER: What's going on here? 17 00:00:33,092 --> 00:00:35,843 I thought nobody gave two Osama bin Shits 18 00:00:35,926 --> 00:00:37,343 about the drone strike. 19 00:00:37,426 --> 00:00:39,009 This is about killing elephants. 20 00:00:39,092 --> 00:00:41,009 Is this gonna affect my numbers, you think? 21 00:00:41,092 --> 00:00:42,092 Yes. 22 00:00:48,009 --> 00:00:50,843 - ( gavel striking ) - Man: OK! 23 00:00:50,926 --> 00:00:54,343 All right, ladies and gentlemen, the final votes for tonight. 24 00:00:54,426 --> 00:00:56,551 Governor Calhoun, 420. 25 00:00:56,635 --> 00:00:59,718 Congressman Ryan, 453. 26 00:00:59,801 --> 00:01:04,259 Senator Talbot, 1,785. 27 00:01:04,343 --> 00:01:06,301 - Boo! - President Meyer, 28 00:01:06,384 --> 00:01:08,384 1,817. 29 00:01:08,468 --> 00:01:10,885 No candidate has secured a... 30 00:01:10,967 --> 00:01:14,051 delegate majority of 2,368, 31 00:01:14,134 --> 00:01:16,051 so we have no nominee. 32 00:01:16,134 --> 00:01:17,718 - Did we win? - Oh, yeah. 33 00:01:17,801 --> 00:01:20,009 I'm the president, and you're the first lady. 34 00:01:20,092 --> 00:01:21,551 Oh, we would crush it. 35 00:01:21,635 --> 00:01:23,343 And it seems we have ourselves 36 00:01:23,426 --> 00:01:25,343 a deadlocked convention, 37 00:01:25,426 --> 00:01:27,051 the first since 1952. 38 00:01:27,134 --> 00:01:29,801 Senator Talbot has indeed made a miraculous comeback. 39 00:01:29,885 --> 00:01:31,885 You know, it's worse having to hear it from Mike. 40 00:01:31,967 --> 00:01:34,760 Furlong wants to see all the candidates for a late-night pow-wow. 41 00:01:34,843 --> 00:01:36,967 - No offense, Marjorie. - Some offense. 42 00:01:37,051 --> 00:01:38,926 Mom, you need to tell the party 43 00:01:39,009 --> 00:01:42,259 that they never should have held the convention in North Carolina. 44 00:01:42,343 --> 00:01:44,718 Their bathroom bill is an absolute disgrace. 45 00:01:44,801 --> 00:01:47,092 Guys, who gives a shit where people shit? 46 00:01:47,176 --> 00:01:49,426 That is literally the point, Mother. 47 00:01:49,509 --> 00:01:50,593 OK, then we agree. 48 00:01:50,676 --> 00:01:52,468 Right? Shut. Up. 49 00:01:52,551 --> 00:01:54,051 Selina: We have to get in touch 50 00:01:54,134 --> 00:01:55,343 with all the floor whips. 51 00:01:55,426 --> 00:01:57,176 We have to make sure our delegates hold. 52 00:01:57,259 --> 00:01:59,092 - I'll whip the whips. - You know, the Chinese 53 00:01:59,176 --> 00:02:02,801 are ready to fix this whole damn election if I can be the nominee. 54 00:02:02,885 --> 00:02:05,009 - Not here. Not hearing this. - No, that is the plan. 55 00:02:05,092 --> 00:02:08,885 ( music playing ) 56 00:02:08,967 --> 00:02:11,843 ( motorcade sirens blare ) 57 00:02:14,843 --> 00:02:16,967 - How ya doin' there, John? - Outstanding, ma'am. 58 00:02:17,051 --> 00:02:19,801 That's my hero. And keep on getting it out there 59 00:02:19,885 --> 00:02:22,134 that I plan on choosing Governor DeVito as my veep, 60 00:02:22,217 --> 00:02:24,509 'cause we might get a few more delegates out of this. 61 00:02:24,593 --> 00:02:26,301 Wounded warrior, Roman Catholic... 62 00:02:26,384 --> 00:02:27,801 Oh, my God, is that still a thing? 63 00:02:27,885 --> 00:02:30,718 Two-time Ohio governor, 18 Electoral College votes. 64 00:02:30,801 --> 00:02:34,384 Most importantly, he has a penis. Right, Governor? 65 00:02:34,468 --> 00:02:36,092 DeVito: I'm still with you, ma'am! 66 00:02:36,176 --> 00:02:38,468 Till the end, like we used to say back in Iraq. 67 00:02:38,551 --> 00:02:41,468 - Might want to double-check that penis. - Ben: That's Kent's job. 68 00:02:41,551 --> 00:02:44,843 Jonah: Mr. Chairman, I would just like to point out 69 00:02:44,926 --> 00:02:46,885 that the official count cannot be trusted. 70 00:02:46,967 --> 00:02:48,801 Oh, no, Beautiful Mindfuck. 71 00:02:48,885 --> 00:02:50,967 You are not gonna desecrate my convention 72 00:02:51,051 --> 00:02:53,551 with more of this Muslim math nonsense. 73 00:02:53,635 --> 00:02:54,967 How do you explain 74 00:02:55,051 --> 00:02:56,760 that when I add up my delegates 75 00:02:56,843 --> 00:02:58,885 - with Christian math... - Amen! 76 00:02:58,967 --> 00:03:00,926 the number is quite different than the official total? 77 00:03:01,009 --> 00:03:03,676 Because you were born with three umbilical cords wrapped around your neck, 78 00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:05,676 - Hep C Kevin McHale. - Jonah: No, I wasn't. 79 00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:08,217 - Kemi: My apologies, Mr. Chairman. - Madam President. 80 00:03:08,301 --> 00:03:09,967 Selina: What is Leon doing with her? 81 00:03:10,051 --> 00:03:13,259 Installing cameras in all her closets and bathrooms. 82 00:03:13,343 --> 00:03:15,468 So, what did I miss? Did President Meyer find a way 83 00:03:15,551 --> 00:03:18,635 to steal the nomination from me like she stole South Carolina? 84 00:03:18,718 --> 00:03:20,843 Stealing South Carolina is the bedrock 85 00:03:20,926 --> 00:03:23,134 of our political system, Senator. 86 00:03:23,217 --> 00:03:26,343 Well, there it is, that casual Meyer attitude 87 00:03:26,426 --> 00:03:29,176 towards criminal enterprise, just like her husband. 88 00:03:29,259 --> 00:03:31,051 - Gary: Ex-husband. - Step-husband. 89 00:03:31,134 --> 00:03:33,760 If you can't figure out how to steal South Carolina, 90 00:03:33,843 --> 00:03:35,426 you have no business being president. 91 00:03:35,509 --> 00:03:38,426 - Oh, is that how you feel? - Yes! Am I right? 92 00:03:38,509 --> 00:03:40,134 - ( all talking at once ) - Roger: Hey! Hey! All right! 93 00:03:40,217 --> 00:03:43,468 Right now, every Sunday pundit and poli-sci major 94 00:03:43,551 --> 00:03:45,551 is treating this brokered convention 95 00:03:45,635 --> 00:03:47,468 like it's a big-titted college gymnast 96 00:03:47,551 --> 00:03:49,092 whose daddy fucked with her just enough 97 00:03:49,176 --> 00:03:51,635 that she'll do some dirty shit, but she can still cum. 98 00:03:51,718 --> 00:03:54,134 Hittin' a little close to home there, Roger, 99 00:03:54,217 --> 00:03:55,843 minus the big-titted part. 100 00:03:55,926 --> 00:03:57,635 We've never had a complaint, have we? 101 00:03:57,718 --> 00:04:01,217 But if we don't pillow-smother this sad grandma of a convention 102 00:04:01,301 --> 00:04:04,009 lickity-fuckin'-split, we are gonna wind up with 103 00:04:04,092 --> 00:04:07,384 four more years of Montez clogging up the White House plumbing with tampons. 104 00:04:07,468 --> 00:04:09,384 - That's not a problem for us. - It's fine. 105 00:04:09,468 --> 00:04:11,259 Tomorrow is the second ballot, OK? 106 00:04:11,343 --> 00:04:14,176 None of these delegates are bound to any candidate anymore. 107 00:04:14,259 --> 00:04:16,384 So it's time to get out there and start twisting some arms 108 00:04:16,468 --> 00:04:18,593 and pinching nipples. And what else, Will? 109 00:04:18,676 --> 00:04:20,718 And may the best man win. 110 00:04:20,801 --> 00:04:24,259 And may the hairiest man zip-tie me to a slaughterhouse drainage grate 111 00:04:24,343 --> 00:04:28,676 and make tender hate to my rear and mouth, in that order, at his leisure. 112 00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:29,926 Roger: Ha ha! Beautiful. 113 00:04:30,009 --> 00:04:32,092 Well done, pig. Dismissed. 114 00:04:32,176 --> 00:04:34,384 Selina, you got a minute? 115 00:04:34,468 --> 00:04:35,843 Roger, I don't want to hear it. 116 00:04:35,926 --> 00:04:38,593 We need a ticket. Just offer her veep. 117 00:04:38,676 --> 00:04:40,843 You and Kemi scissoring at the top of the ticket 118 00:04:40,926 --> 00:04:42,509 is gonna make everyone rock hard. 119 00:04:42,593 --> 00:04:44,051 I don't need her. OK? 120 00:04:44,134 --> 00:04:46,009 I've got the diving bell and the governor. 121 00:04:46,092 --> 00:04:47,343 - Come on. - Just make the deal! 122 00:04:47,426 --> 00:04:48,676 Or what's gonna happen, Will? 123 00:04:49,801 --> 00:04:51,760 Aw, shit, Will left. It was a good one. 124 00:04:51,843 --> 00:04:53,635 - Sorry to miss that. - Amy: Ma'am. 125 00:04:53,718 --> 00:04:55,426 Oh, God. Go away, Amy. Really. 126 00:04:55,509 --> 00:04:58,009 - Your voice is like a crow. - But ma'am, I just want to-- 127 00:04:58,092 --> 00:05:02,885 No! There is no place for Jonah Ryan in my administration. 128 00:05:02,967 --> 00:05:07,217 Or anywhere in the universe where the building blocks of life are present. 129 00:05:07,301 --> 00:05:09,217 OK? I'll be right back. 130 00:05:09,301 --> 00:05:11,468 - Uh, caballeros. - Caballeros! 131 00:05:11,551 --> 00:05:14,009 - Do you wanna close the thing? - Ben: Nice try, Amy. 132 00:05:14,092 --> 00:05:16,676 Ben, we've already got Florida, we've got a butt-load of delegates. 133 00:05:16,760 --> 00:05:19,384 Your offer is as appealing as a Sriracha enema. 134 00:05:19,468 --> 00:05:21,468 So fuck your offer, and fuck you. 135 00:05:21,551 --> 00:05:24,593 - It's always good to see ya. - You too. I miss you guys. 136 00:05:24,676 --> 00:05:27,468 - Amy: Keith, you havin' fun? - Keith: Yes, thank you. 137 00:05:27,551 --> 00:05:31,009 - ( applause, chatter ) - Oh, thank you! 138 00:05:31,092 --> 00:05:33,301 Oh! I hope I can count on your support. 139 00:05:33,384 --> 00:05:34,676 What are they clapping like that for? 140 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:36,801 Congratulations, ma'am. You just broke 141 00:05:36,885 --> 00:05:39,426 - North Carolina's transgender bathroom law. - Selina: What? 142 00:05:39,509 --> 00:05:42,468 Dan: I've been fielding media requests all morning, Richard. 143 00:05:42,551 --> 00:05:44,343 The keynote speech was such a hit. 144 00:05:44,426 --> 00:05:47,509 New York Times? Krugman is positively creaming his khakis. 145 00:05:47,593 --> 00:05:49,384 Amazing speech last night, Governor Splett. 146 00:05:49,468 --> 00:05:51,426 - Dan: Thank you. - What state are you a delegate from? 147 00:05:51,509 --> 00:05:53,926 - The Ukraine. - A Wisconsin sister state. 148 00:05:54,009 --> 00:05:55,676 Can I get a photo with you? 149 00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:57,343 - Sure. - Absolutely not. Thank you, though. 150 00:05:57,426 --> 00:05:58,635 How 'bout I get one of you two? 151 00:05:58,718 --> 00:06:00,259 - Oh, yes. - No, that's fine. 152 00:06:00,343 --> 00:06:02,176 So sorry your wife couldn't make the convention, Congressman. 153 00:06:02,259 --> 00:06:04,343 - We have to go. - Good seeing you. Enjoy the convention. 154 00:06:04,426 --> 00:06:05,676 Ben: Morning, ma'am. 155 00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:07,551 Some disturbing rumblings from Justice-- 156 00:06:07,635 --> 00:06:09,092 Oh, I'm sorry. 157 00:06:09,176 --> 00:06:11,551 What? It's OK, Ben. You've seen behind the curtain. 158 00:06:11,635 --> 00:06:14,843 My source tells me that Kemi's been kicking up some dirt on the Meyer Fund. 159 00:06:14,926 --> 00:06:17,926 - Oh, come-- Well, that's Leon. - I don't know. 160 00:06:18,009 --> 00:06:21,009 Why does everybody get good at their job after I fire them? 161 00:06:21,092 --> 00:06:22,801 - Lip time. Let's do lips. - No, no, no. 162 00:06:22,885 --> 00:06:25,509 I want to save the Dubonnet for when I get the nomination. 163 00:06:25,593 --> 00:06:28,259 OK? 'Cause it's discontinued. I'm wearing this now. 164 00:06:28,343 --> 00:06:30,051 There's a simple solution for this, OK? 165 00:06:30,134 --> 00:06:32,384 Just ask Kemi to be your veep. 166 00:06:32,468 --> 00:06:34,593 I cannot stand her! 167 00:06:34,676 --> 00:06:36,760 And I don't say that about a lot of people. 168 00:06:36,843 --> 00:06:39,718 - Gary: Hmm... - Plus, she called me a criminal last night. 169 00:06:39,801 --> 00:06:42,092 Kent and I were up all night doing the numbers-- 170 00:06:42,176 --> 00:06:45,509 In the words of the great Eleanor Roosevelt, 171 00:06:45,593 --> 00:06:48,426 I would rather cheese-grater my clit. 172 00:06:48,509 --> 00:06:50,551 - So we'll put a pin in that. - That too. 173 00:06:50,635 --> 00:06:53,092 Morning. Mom, you're a regular bathroom warrior. 174 00:06:53,176 --> 00:06:54,967 - Oh, really? - We're very proud of you 175 00:06:55,051 --> 00:06:56,760 for standing up for the trans community. 176 00:06:56,843 --> 00:06:59,092 Well, thank you, Peppermint Patty, 177 00:06:59,176 --> 00:07:00,551 but you're not a... 178 00:07:00,635 --> 00:07:02,843 Oh, no, ma'am. I'm a cis woman. 179 00:07:02,926 --> 00:07:05,718 - I mean, that's not a crazy question to ask. - Not at all. 180 00:07:05,801 --> 00:07:09,843 You and your gay pals can make me the Grand Marshal 181 00:07:09,926 --> 00:07:13,051 of the next parade that you have that messes up all the traffic. 182 00:07:13,134 --> 00:07:15,926 Actually, ma'am, it's a myth that lesbians and gay men 183 00:07:16,009 --> 00:07:17,301 have any natural affinity. 184 00:07:17,384 --> 00:07:19,343 As a matter of fact, Gertrude Stein 185 00:07:19,426 --> 00:07:21,343 was physically disgusted by male homosexuals. 186 00:07:21,426 --> 00:07:24,134 - Excuse me? - How'd she feel about tedious lesbians? 187 00:07:24,217 --> 00:07:25,176 Big fan, ma'am. 188 00:07:28,676 --> 00:07:31,551 So how's the Piss Heard Round the World 189 00:07:31,635 --> 00:07:33,134 playing with all the delegates? 190 00:07:33,217 --> 00:07:36,301 The NYPD found a van full of explosives at Kennedy Airport. 191 00:07:36,384 --> 00:07:38,301 This is why everyone should just fly private. 192 00:07:38,384 --> 00:07:40,384 You've been completely knocked out of the news cycle. 193 00:07:40,468 --> 00:07:42,509 - Selina: Oh, God. - Ma'am, Governor DeVito 194 00:07:42,593 --> 00:07:44,426 is here to speak with you about his speech. 195 00:07:44,509 --> 00:07:47,259 OK, great! Ha ha ha. John-boy! 196 00:07:47,343 --> 00:07:49,468 - Keith: Ah. - Johnny? 197 00:07:49,551 --> 00:07:50,760 Hmm. 198 00:07:51,885 --> 00:07:53,760 Is he... Ah! 199 00:07:53,843 --> 00:07:55,259 And there he is! 200 00:07:55,343 --> 00:07:57,468 - Governor DeVito. - Yes. My running mate. 201 00:07:57,551 --> 00:07:59,468 Well, not literally, of course but... 202 00:07:59,551 --> 00:08:02,051 Did you get a chance to review my nominating speech? 203 00:08:02,134 --> 00:08:05,509 I did, and I have to tell you something: it is a delight. 204 00:08:05,593 --> 00:08:08,134 - I wouldn't change a word. Right, Ben? - Awesome. Absolutely. 205 00:08:08,217 --> 00:08:11,092 So I'm gonna actually talk to Kent about some numbers. 206 00:08:11,176 --> 00:08:12,760 - Kent. - The president, she loved your speech. 207 00:08:12,843 --> 00:08:15,843 Especially the line "There are really three Americas." 208 00:08:15,926 --> 00:08:17,384 I'm so glad you responded to that. 209 00:08:17,468 --> 00:08:19,301 She's gonna use that in her speech. 210 00:08:19,384 --> 00:08:20,967 Pretend to talk to me about numbers. 211 00:08:21,051 --> 00:08:23,343 The most compelling number to me is not a number at all, 212 00:08:23,426 --> 00:08:25,259 - it's a concept. - I said pretend, OK? 213 00:08:25,343 --> 00:08:27,718 I was pretending. My favorite number is Euler's number. 214 00:08:27,801 --> 00:08:31,301 She's also gonna take the line "No matter what, I will always stand for America." 215 00:08:31,384 --> 00:08:33,635 - That's a reference to my leg. - She'll tweak it. 216 00:08:33,718 --> 00:08:35,092 So are we good, then? Everything cool? 217 00:08:35,176 --> 00:08:36,801 - Ben: Great. All set. - OK. Fantastic. 218 00:08:36,885 --> 00:08:38,176 Thank you so much for coming. 219 00:08:38,259 --> 00:08:41,301 Really. Honestly. Bye-bye. Take care. 220 00:08:41,384 --> 00:08:42,926 ( DeVito grunting ) 221 00:08:43,009 --> 00:08:44,635 Selina: So good seein' ya. 222 00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:47,134 Take good care. 223 00:08:47,217 --> 00:08:49,384 - DeVito: Madam President. - Yeah, yeah. 224 00:08:49,468 --> 00:08:51,134 We're still good on the veep slot, right? 225 00:08:51,217 --> 00:08:53,176 Oh, yeah, hundred percent. You're my veep. 226 00:08:53,259 --> 00:08:55,551 - All right. - Great. 227 00:08:55,635 --> 00:08:57,843 - ( Keith chuckling ) - See you soon. 228 00:08:57,926 --> 00:08:59,384 ( crowd cheering in distance ) 229 00:08:59,468 --> 00:09:02,967 I want to offer Buddy Calhoun veep. 230 00:09:03,051 --> 00:09:04,426 - OK. - 'Cause with his delegates 231 00:09:04,509 --> 00:09:06,343 and all that Bible-y B.S., 232 00:09:06,426 --> 00:09:08,217 the rest of the delegates'll have to fall in line, 233 00:09:08,301 --> 00:09:11,426 and Kemi can go and suck lecture-circuit dick in hell. 234 00:09:11,509 --> 00:09:13,259 And by "hell," I mean The Kennedy School. 235 00:09:13,343 --> 00:09:14,593 - Hey, ma'am. - Yeah. 236 00:09:14,676 --> 00:09:16,176 The floor whips are picking up a rumor 237 00:09:16,259 --> 00:09:18,217 that Buddy is flirting with endorsing Kemi. 238 00:09:18,301 --> 00:09:20,092 Oh, please. Buddy's not flirting with anything 239 00:09:20,176 --> 00:09:22,301 that's not wearing a leather vest and a Nazi cap. 240 00:09:22,384 --> 00:09:26,176 - Hey, guys. - God created men's rooms and women's rooms, 241 00:09:26,259 --> 00:09:27,843 not "everyone rooms." ( chuckles ) 242 00:09:27,926 --> 00:09:29,967 I don't think Buddy's gonna be taking your veep slot. 243 00:09:30,051 --> 00:09:31,635 Buddy: I don't want to go into a bathroom 244 00:09:31,718 --> 00:09:32,801 and be next to a woman 245 00:09:32,885 --> 00:09:34,217 who is looking at my genitals. 246 00:09:34,301 --> 00:09:36,551 I want that person that I'm next to 247 00:09:36,635 --> 00:09:38,885 to be a man, or, better yet, lots of men. 248 00:09:38,967 --> 00:09:41,009 Glory, glory, hole-ellelujah. 249 00:09:41,092 --> 00:09:43,885 Ma'am, if Governor Calhoun is joining forces with Kemi... 250 00:09:43,967 --> 00:09:45,676 - We've gotta call Kemi right away. - No! 251 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:48,551 Not her! We're gonna call Amy, um... 252 00:09:48,635 --> 00:09:50,217 - Gary: Brookheimer. - Brookheimer. 253 00:09:50,301 --> 00:09:52,593 Jonah: What are you guys doing here? 254 00:09:52,676 --> 00:09:54,718 You here to see me get interviewed by Mike on CBS News? 255 00:09:54,801 --> 00:09:56,760 I wish, but I'm in a bit of a rush. 256 00:09:56,843 --> 00:09:58,926 I've gotta go be interviewed by Mike on CBS. 257 00:09:59,009 --> 00:10:00,384 Guess that means you've been bumped. 258 00:10:00,468 --> 00:10:01,967 Although ABC News is doing a piece 259 00:10:02,051 --> 00:10:04,468 on presidential also-rans who can almost suck their own dicks. 260 00:10:04,551 --> 00:10:06,426 So while you're in makeup, why don't you go talk to them? 261 00:10:06,509 --> 00:10:07,926 Ohh. Like you've never tried. 262 00:10:08,009 --> 00:10:08,967 I'm probably gonna need that mic. 263 00:10:09,051 --> 00:10:10,134 You came to the convention 264 00:10:10,217 --> 00:10:12,134 as Governor Richard Splett of Iowa, 265 00:10:12,217 --> 00:10:15,217 but after your electrifying speech just two nights ago, 266 00:10:15,301 --> 00:10:18,551 party insiders are calling you Richard Splett, "future of the party." 267 00:10:18,635 --> 00:10:20,468 Honestly, I'm glad that what I said resonated with folks. 268 00:10:20,551 --> 00:10:23,551 Plus, it gave me a chance to break out my ASL skills. 269 00:10:23,635 --> 00:10:27,259 You know, for the deaf American delegates. 270 00:10:27,343 --> 00:10:29,635 Yeah. All right, let's talk turkey, Governor. 271 00:10:29,718 --> 00:10:31,801 - Wonderful pets. - What about all these rumors 272 00:10:31,885 --> 00:10:34,009 that Senator Talbot is talking to you 273 00:10:34,092 --> 00:10:36,301 about a position in her administration? 274 00:10:36,384 --> 00:10:37,760 When you listen to rumors, 275 00:10:37,843 --> 00:10:39,593 you rue more than-- 276 00:10:39,676 --> 00:10:41,343 Nope. I don't know where I was going with that. 277 00:10:41,426 --> 00:10:43,009 Works in sign language. 278 00:10:44,134 --> 00:10:46,134 Very cagey. Jane, back to you. 279 00:10:46,217 --> 00:10:47,885 - Stagehand: All clear! - Thanks for having me. 280 00:10:47,967 --> 00:10:49,551 Richard, that was fantastic. 281 00:10:49,635 --> 00:10:51,259 Us Weekly wants to do a piece on you: 282 00:10:51,343 --> 00:10:53,134 25 Things That No One Knows About You. 283 00:10:53,217 --> 00:10:54,718 Well, number one is, I love lists. 284 00:10:54,801 --> 00:10:56,134 - Oh, Dan! - Oh, hey, man. 285 00:10:56,217 --> 00:10:59,009 What kind of suit is that? Hugo Boss? ( snorts ) 286 00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:02,801 - What's wrong with this suit? - It's not network. 287 00:11:02,885 --> 00:11:04,551 Female Speaker: Hello, fellow Americans! 288 00:11:04,635 --> 00:11:06,967 - Ma'am. You wanted to see me? - Selina: Ben. Move. 289 00:11:07,051 --> 00:11:10,092 Amy, we've been working together a really long time, 290 00:11:10,176 --> 00:11:12,718 it just occurred to me, and you've always been like... 291 00:11:12,801 --> 00:11:14,468 - Daughter? - ...a sister to me. 292 00:11:14,551 --> 00:11:15,718 More like a childless aunt. 293 00:11:15,801 --> 00:11:17,384 I just thought for old times' sake 294 00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:18,760 I might throw you a bone. 295 00:11:18,843 --> 00:11:22,343 Have Jonah instruct his delegates of Dr. Moreau 296 00:11:22,426 --> 00:11:25,509 to back me on the second ballot tonight, 297 00:11:25,593 --> 00:11:28,801 and we might be able to find something for him at-- 298 00:11:28,885 --> 00:11:33,676 Ben? Where can he do the least amount of harm? 299 00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:35,051 EPA. 300 00:11:35,134 --> 00:11:36,384 Perfect. 301 00:11:36,468 --> 00:11:38,593 ( laughing ) 302 00:11:39,926 --> 00:11:41,885 - What is happening? - ( cackling ) 303 00:11:41,967 --> 00:11:44,384 - Was she always like this? - Oh, it used to be worse. 304 00:11:44,468 --> 00:11:45,926 You haven't heard. 305 00:11:46,009 --> 00:11:47,176 I haven't heard what, Amy? 306 00:11:47,259 --> 00:11:48,801 Ben: Oh, shit. 307 00:11:48,885 --> 00:11:51,676 The suspect in the JFK bombing 308 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:53,926 is one Mr. Abdul Azeem, 309 00:11:54,009 --> 00:11:55,843 a high school mathematics teacher 310 00:11:55,926 --> 00:11:58,676 whose Facebook page is all about radical Islam 311 00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:01,843 - and trigonometry. - Kent: So are a lot of people's. 312 00:12:01,926 --> 00:12:03,343 Selina: Move. Move! 313 00:12:03,426 --> 00:12:04,718 ...Azeem teaches seventh grade algebra 314 00:12:04,801 --> 00:12:06,301 and eighth grade trigonometry... 315 00:12:06,384 --> 00:12:09,051 Jonah was right. 316 00:12:09,134 --> 00:12:12,217 He was spectacularly right! 317 00:12:12,301 --> 00:12:14,384 And you know what that makes me, sister? 318 00:12:14,468 --> 00:12:16,343 - Spitty? - The campaign manager 319 00:12:16,426 --> 00:12:19,217 for the next President of the United States! 320 00:12:19,301 --> 00:12:23,551 So if you want to discuss potential opportunities for yourself 321 00:12:23,635 --> 00:12:26,051 in the Ryan administration, 322 00:12:26,134 --> 00:12:29,468 maybe I'll throw you a bone. 323 00:12:31,134 --> 00:12:33,718 Ma'am... this is bad. 324 00:12:33,801 --> 00:12:34,718 I know. 325 00:12:34,801 --> 00:12:36,384 Do you want me to take care of Amy? 326 00:12:36,468 --> 00:12:38,885 - ( all cheering ) - For the last year 327 00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:41,092 I have been crisscrossing the country, 328 00:12:41,176 --> 00:12:45,593 warning America about the threat of math to our way of life. 329 00:12:45,676 --> 00:12:48,134 - All: Yeah! - Which is why, President Meyer, 330 00:12:48,217 --> 00:12:51,092 Senator Talbot, and Governor Calhoun, 331 00:12:51,176 --> 00:12:53,259 I have something to say to you: 332 00:12:53,343 --> 00:12:54,593 I told you so! 333 00:12:54,676 --> 00:12:56,468 - Beth: He told you so! - Yeah! 334 00:12:56,551 --> 00:13:00,217 Oh, hey, do you remember my five-alarm hottie of a wife Beth? 335 00:13:00,301 --> 00:13:01,967 She just got out of rehab today. 336 00:13:02,051 --> 00:13:04,509 Yeah! And plus, while she was in there, 337 00:13:04,593 --> 00:13:06,885 she dropped a couple pounds in all the right places, 338 00:13:06,967 --> 00:13:09,551 so she's hella even hotter than she was before. 339 00:13:09,635 --> 00:13:12,551 - Man: Kill her! - Yeah! I mean, not her, man, 340 00:13:12,635 --> 00:13:14,259 but yeah, sure. 341 00:13:14,343 --> 00:13:17,092 Look, I love America, 342 00:13:17,176 --> 00:13:19,343 but it is time to face facts. 343 00:13:19,426 --> 00:13:22,967 This is a horrific country that is falling apart 344 00:13:23,051 --> 00:13:25,967 because it is full of people who are different than me. 345 00:13:26,051 --> 00:13:27,676 - I was right! - ( all cheering ) 346 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:30,134 And that means I should be president! 347 00:13:30,217 --> 00:13:32,301 Thank you! Thank you! 348 00:13:32,384 --> 00:13:35,176 Amy: That is 34 more delegates from Selina 349 00:13:35,259 --> 00:13:37,426 and 17 from Kemi. 350 00:13:37,509 --> 00:13:39,259 - We have Florida... - Jonah: That's right, guys, 351 00:13:39,343 --> 00:13:40,926 next stop, the White House, 352 00:13:41,009 --> 00:13:43,134 and then it's payback time! 353 00:13:43,217 --> 00:13:45,009 - Clay: Mom! - Beth: Hi, Clay! 354 00:13:45,092 --> 00:13:46,801 - She's out? - Oh no, I'm all better. 355 00:13:46,885 --> 00:13:48,426 - Hi, Beth. - Hi, Amber. 356 00:13:48,509 --> 00:13:50,967 We just got denounced by the ACLU. 357 00:13:51,051 --> 00:13:54,134 We are going to win this thing! 358 00:13:54,217 --> 00:13:57,092 - Yes! - Jonie, my boy! 359 00:13:57,176 --> 00:13:58,384 - Fuck me! - We did it! 360 00:13:58,468 --> 00:14:00,134 Ever since you were little, 361 00:14:00,217 --> 00:14:01,551 I've been telling your mom, 362 00:14:01,635 --> 00:14:04,468 "Someday that beautiful, brilliant boy of yours 363 00:14:04,551 --> 00:14:06,176 is gonna do great things!" 364 00:14:06,259 --> 00:14:08,926 I thought you told my mom to sell me to a child molester 365 00:14:09,009 --> 00:14:10,801 and use the money to get her tubes tied. 366 00:14:10,885 --> 00:14:12,051 Eh, we're family. 367 00:14:12,134 --> 00:14:14,134 Come here, you! 368 00:14:14,217 --> 00:14:17,217 You know, the Jews have a word for this feeling I'm having right now. 369 00:14:17,301 --> 00:14:20,635 I can't remember-- it sounds like three Germans cumming real hard 370 00:14:20,718 --> 00:14:22,593 inside something that doesn't want them to. 371 00:14:22,676 --> 00:14:25,259 Oh, Jewish is such a beautiful language. 372 00:14:25,343 --> 00:14:29,134 That's not the only reason I'm here. I come bearing gifts! 373 00:14:29,217 --> 00:14:33,259 New Hampshire's 27 delegates are yours! 374 00:14:33,343 --> 00:14:35,801 Oh, thank you, Uncle Jeff! 375 00:14:35,885 --> 00:14:37,593 Jeff: Get me Vermont. 376 00:14:37,676 --> 00:14:40,635 - I think I can sweet-talk them. - Mm-hmm. 377 00:14:40,718 --> 00:14:42,885 Yeah, Jeff Kane. Who am I speaking with? 378 00:14:42,967 --> 00:14:45,176 Ah. How's your dad? 379 00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:46,593 Uh-huh. Uh-huh. 380 00:14:46,676 --> 00:14:48,134 OK, shut the fuck up! 381 00:14:48,217 --> 00:14:50,551 Listen, you Subaru-driving bull dykes! 382 00:14:50,635 --> 00:14:52,801 You better back Jonah on the next ballot 383 00:14:52,885 --> 00:14:54,259 or you will be leaf-peeping 384 00:14:54,343 --> 00:14:57,967 from inside your own maple syrup-soaked assholes! 385 00:14:59,801 --> 00:15:02,593 I'll give 'em five minutes, then I'll hit 'em with Bad Cop. 386 00:15:02,676 --> 00:15:04,760 They're calling it Ryan Fever. 387 00:15:04,843 --> 00:15:07,885 The former congressman's message is finding a new audience... 388 00:15:07,967 --> 00:15:11,718 Assemblyman, I have been to Buffalo six times, 389 00:15:11,801 --> 00:15:13,676 and I'm not even a serial killer. 390 00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:15,551 So I-- OK, forget it. 391 00:15:15,635 --> 00:15:17,843 - Ma'am. Ma'am. - What? What? 392 00:15:17,926 --> 00:15:19,801 The captain of the Texas delegation 393 00:15:19,885 --> 00:15:22,176 says that all of his bum steers 394 00:15:22,259 --> 00:15:24,176 are stampeding towards Jonah! 395 00:15:24,259 --> 00:15:27,051 We cannot lose Texas. Texas is our firewall! 396 00:15:27,134 --> 00:15:30,301 Listen, Ben, you gotta go back to Texas right now, OK? 397 00:15:30,384 --> 00:15:34,217 And just tell 'em they can violate me with their assault rifles 398 00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:39,092 and a full slab of ribs on top of a stack of slavery-free history textbooks. 399 00:15:39,176 --> 00:15:42,426 - You gotta go do that, Ben. Go do that right now. - Texas is our firewall. 400 00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:43,926 - Selina: Yeah, do it. - Ma'am. Ma'am. 401 00:15:44,009 --> 00:15:45,885 - Yeah, what is it? - You need to see this. 402 00:15:45,967 --> 00:15:48,676 We never got proper answers about the Meyer Fund 403 00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:50,468 or its many foreign donors. 404 00:15:50,551 --> 00:15:52,134 - This is Leon. - That is why I've asked 405 00:15:52,217 --> 00:15:53,676 the Justice Department and the FBI 406 00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:56,176 - to reopen its investigation. - Oh, my God. 407 00:15:56,259 --> 00:15:59,009 The president was in close contact with her husband Andrew Meyer 408 00:15:59,092 --> 00:16:01,760 - Selina: The FBI? - up until his extremely suspicious death. 409 00:16:01,843 --> 00:16:05,301 Why is this so hard? 410 00:16:06,259 --> 00:16:08,301 I just wanna be president. 411 00:16:08,384 --> 00:16:11,301 Do you want six almonds? 412 00:16:11,384 --> 00:16:12,551 No! 413 00:16:13,801 --> 00:16:15,801 This, Kent, is why I was right 414 00:16:15,885 --> 00:16:17,092 not to offer her veep. 415 00:16:17,176 --> 00:16:19,384 - She's the worst. - Yeah. 416 00:16:19,468 --> 00:16:21,343 Ma'am, all due respect, 417 00:16:21,426 --> 00:16:24,718 maybe you should consider... being her veep? 418 00:16:27,384 --> 00:16:29,134 That's not fucking funny, Kent. 419 00:16:29,217 --> 00:16:31,509 I haven't been funny since 1987. 420 00:16:31,593 --> 00:16:34,051 - Keith: Ma'am? Um... - What? 421 00:16:34,134 --> 00:16:35,718 Adios, New Mexico. 422 00:16:35,801 --> 00:16:37,009 Ohh. 423 00:16:37,092 --> 00:16:38,301 - ( Ben grunting ) - Richard: Hey, Ben. 424 00:16:38,384 --> 00:16:40,301 - Ben: Out of my way. - Sorry. 425 00:16:40,384 --> 00:16:42,926 - Jesus. - At least he's getting some exercise. 426 00:16:43,009 --> 00:16:45,635 Oh, yes! ( chuckles ) Politico's reporting 427 00:16:45,718 --> 00:16:47,885 that Jonah's talking to you about the Secretary of Commerce. 428 00:16:47,967 --> 00:16:50,718 Richard: I wish. Sounds much better than the conversation we were having 429 00:16:50,801 --> 00:16:52,593 about why his urine is pink. 430 00:16:52,676 --> 00:16:54,384 We ruled out beets because he doesn't know what those are. 431 00:16:54,468 --> 00:16:56,509 Then had to rule it right back in for the same reason. 432 00:16:56,593 --> 00:16:58,676 Richard, look, there was no offer, OK? 433 00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:01,384 It was me, all right? I pulled that turd out of my ass, 434 00:17:01,468 --> 00:17:03,301 covered it in ketchup, and Politico asked for seconds. 435 00:17:03,384 --> 00:17:05,092 You could've ended that sentence at "me." 436 00:17:05,176 --> 00:17:07,801 One thing is clear after this runaway-Ferris wheel of a convention, 437 00:17:07,885 --> 00:17:10,593 and that's that Montez is gonna be president for another four years. 438 00:17:10,676 --> 00:17:12,843 Well, makes sense. She made me proud to be an American again. 439 00:17:12,926 --> 00:17:15,301 OK, but after that, it's Splett Time. 440 00:17:15,384 --> 00:17:16,843 We can't call it that 441 00:17:16,926 --> 00:17:18,760 unless we want to get sued by my uncle's podcast. 442 00:17:18,843 --> 00:17:21,176 No, Senator, this whole Meyer Fund story 443 00:17:21,259 --> 00:17:23,384 is a distraction, sir, 444 00:17:23,468 --> 00:17:26,676 the way a magician does tricks to distract you 445 00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:29,259 from how depressing his life is. 446 00:17:29,343 --> 00:17:31,468 - And I-- I'll call you back. - Ah-- Ah-- 447 00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:34,134 - So what'd you find out? - Ahm-- Ahmj-- 448 00:17:34,217 --> 00:17:36,551 - What? - Ajai-- Ajai-- 449 00:17:36,635 --> 00:17:37,967 - "Ajai"? - ( groans ) 450 00:17:38,051 --> 00:17:39,885 Oh, my God! He's having a heart attack! 451 00:17:39,967 --> 00:17:42,217 - Kent: Eighth time's a charm. - Gary: Oh, my God! 452 00:17:42,301 --> 00:17:43,718 Selina: Stay here with us, Ben! 453 00:17:43,801 --> 00:17:46,843 I don't know the names of any of the floor whips. 454 00:17:46,926 --> 00:17:48,676 We need EMTs up at the Meyer box, stat. 455 00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:51,801 White male, type 2 diabetes... also type 1. 456 00:17:51,885 --> 00:17:55,551 Ma'am, there's something happening out on the floor you need to see. 457 00:17:55,635 --> 00:17:57,259 Gary: I'm gonna roll you over, Ben. 458 00:17:57,343 --> 00:17:59,217 Kent: No, no! No. 459 00:17:59,301 --> 00:18:01,343 - What? - Just look down there. 460 00:18:01,426 --> 00:18:02,926 - ( gasps ) - Crowd: Draft Tom James! 461 00:18:03,009 --> 00:18:05,051 You know, I just want to say, 462 00:18:05,134 --> 00:18:08,551 I was roadkill on the side of the political highway. 463 00:18:08,635 --> 00:18:11,885 - ( all laugh ) - One of the nice things about being dead is, 464 00:18:11,967 --> 00:18:13,509 it gives you time to think. 465 00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:16,676 - Also, fewer telemarketers. - ( laughter ) 466 00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:21,176 But I thought, and I thought that I don't like the direction our party is taking. 467 00:18:21,259 --> 00:18:23,551 Maybe the reason we can't find a nominee is, 468 00:18:23,635 --> 00:18:26,259 everyone's just saying the same-old same-old. 469 00:18:26,343 --> 00:18:28,760 - Man: Run, Tom, run! - All: Run, Tom, run! Run... 470 00:18:28,843 --> 00:18:30,676 What do you think I'm trying to do? 471 00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:32,967 Powerful words from Tom James. 472 00:18:33,051 --> 00:18:34,885 Let's go now to Michael McLintock 473 00:18:34,967 --> 00:18:37,343 on the convention floor with Senator Tom James, 474 00:18:37,426 --> 00:18:40,259 whose potential Hail Mary is gaining steam. 475 00:18:40,343 --> 00:18:42,259 I'm reading the wrong card. 476 00:18:42,343 --> 00:18:44,760 ( siren wailing ) 477 00:18:44,843 --> 00:18:46,384 Female Newscaster: Many now say Tom James 478 00:18:46,468 --> 00:18:48,426 is the only answer they'll accept 479 00:18:48,509 --> 00:18:50,509 as the brokered convention drags on. 480 00:18:50,593 --> 00:18:53,092 I honestly think I might be in hell. 481 00:18:53,176 --> 00:18:54,509 Kent: No such place, ma'am. 482 00:18:54,593 --> 00:18:56,426 The concept of hell is a cultural memory 483 00:18:56,509 --> 00:19:00,134 of pre-Mosaic child sacrifice among proto-Judean peoples. 484 00:19:00,217 --> 00:19:03,092 - You're making a strong case for hell. - Tom played it perfectly. 485 00:19:03,176 --> 00:19:05,217 He'll clinch the nomination on tomorrow night's ballot. 486 00:19:05,301 --> 00:19:08,051 - ( knocking on door ) - Knock, knock. 487 00:19:09,217 --> 00:19:10,509 Take State. 488 00:19:10,593 --> 00:19:12,217 Kent: Senator. 489 00:19:12,301 --> 00:19:13,551 Here to rub it in, Tom? 490 00:19:13,635 --> 00:19:14,635 No rubbing. 491 00:19:14,718 --> 00:19:16,051 Gary. Get. 492 00:19:17,885 --> 00:19:20,468 No, I just came by to see how Ben was. 493 00:19:20,551 --> 00:19:22,301 My first congressional race. 494 00:19:22,384 --> 00:19:24,676 Ben can't have been more than 140 years old. 495 00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:26,885 He ran the other guy, wiped the floor with me. 496 00:19:26,967 --> 00:19:30,468 They may have to put him in a medically induced coma, so... 497 00:19:30,551 --> 00:19:31,801 It's what he always wanted. 498 00:19:31,885 --> 00:19:33,468 All right, let's go. 499 00:19:33,551 --> 00:19:35,051 Start your gloating, 500 00:19:35,134 --> 00:19:37,468 make whatever insulting offer it is you're gonna make. 501 00:19:37,551 --> 00:19:38,926 I didn't come here to make an offer. 502 00:19:39,009 --> 00:19:40,593 I don't have the patience for this. 503 00:19:40,676 --> 00:19:42,176 And I'm certainly not gonna beg. 504 00:19:42,259 --> 00:19:43,343 I'm not asking you to beg. 505 00:19:43,426 --> 00:19:44,760 There's nothing to beg for. 506 00:19:44,843 --> 00:19:47,343 You don't have a political future, Selina. 507 00:19:47,426 --> 00:19:49,176 That is your punishment. 508 00:19:49,259 --> 00:19:50,843 Punishment? 509 00:19:50,926 --> 00:19:52,718 What are you talking about? 510 00:19:52,801 --> 00:19:54,217 I have people who like me, 511 00:19:54,301 --> 00:19:55,635 lots of people with signs, 512 00:19:55,718 --> 00:19:58,009 "New Selina Now"-- that is working. That-- 513 00:19:58,092 --> 00:20:00,343 The party, and the nation, will never forget 514 00:20:00,426 --> 00:20:02,468 all that "door" you pushed open-- 515 00:20:02,551 --> 00:20:05,092 yes-- backwards and in heels. 516 00:20:05,176 --> 00:20:07,301 - ( monitor beeping ) - Hang in there. 517 00:20:09,092 --> 00:20:10,343 Wait a minute. 518 00:20:10,426 --> 00:20:11,426 Wait a minute. Hold on. 519 00:20:11,509 --> 00:20:12,635 Hold on, hold on, hold on. 520 00:20:12,718 --> 00:20:15,343 Please, come on. If-- 521 00:20:15,426 --> 00:20:19,384 Tom, when we're not the worst team ever, 522 00:20:19,468 --> 00:20:21,843 we make a really good team! 523 00:20:21,926 --> 00:20:23,593 - Please! - ( knock on door ) 524 00:20:23,676 --> 00:20:25,134 Oh. Madam President. 525 00:20:25,217 --> 00:20:27,718 Senator, the New York delegation is on the phone. 526 00:20:27,801 --> 00:20:29,301 Well, it's been fun. 527 00:20:29,384 --> 00:20:34,134 Let's do this again at Ben's next cardiopulmonary event. 528 00:20:34,217 --> 00:20:35,967 I'll wave at you from the stage. 529 00:20:36,051 --> 00:20:37,384 Yeah, well, that was gloating. 530 00:20:37,468 --> 00:20:39,134 - A little bit. - Yeah. 531 00:20:41,384 --> 00:20:44,635 Wipe that grin-eating dick off your face. 532 00:20:51,801 --> 00:20:54,760 ( indistinct announcement over P.A. ) 533 00:20:57,801 --> 00:20:59,134 ( sighs ) 534 00:21:00,551 --> 00:21:03,092 Ben: ( mutters ) Oh. 535 00:21:03,176 --> 00:21:06,259 I could use a drink. 536 00:21:06,343 --> 00:21:08,593 Yeah. Me too. 537 00:21:08,676 --> 00:21:10,635 Phew. 538 00:21:10,718 --> 00:21:12,176 Ben: Tom James. 539 00:21:12,259 --> 00:21:14,967 Kent says he'll take it on tomorrow night's ballot. 540 00:21:15,051 --> 00:21:16,885 I think this is it for me, too. 541 00:21:16,967 --> 00:21:19,134 Oh, no. You're gonna be fine. 542 00:21:19,217 --> 00:21:21,426 You're gonna be good as new, 543 00:21:21,509 --> 00:21:23,843 and then we'll figure out my next move. 544 00:21:23,926 --> 00:21:26,760 I've had a dozen heart attacks, and... 545 00:21:26,843 --> 00:21:30,092 if I play my cards right, I'll have a dozen more, 546 00:21:30,176 --> 00:21:32,426 but I think this is my last rodeo. 547 00:21:32,509 --> 00:21:36,009 No, Ben! You're my hatchet man. 548 00:21:36,092 --> 00:21:38,967 You're the hatchet man. 549 00:21:39,051 --> 00:21:40,926 I need you. 550 00:21:41,009 --> 00:21:44,926 ( crying ) How can I do this without you? 551 00:21:45,009 --> 00:21:47,009 Don't be an idiot, Selina. 552 00:21:48,468 --> 00:21:50,718 You know exactly what to do. 553 00:21:50,801 --> 00:21:51,926 No. 554 00:21:54,384 --> 00:21:55,551 Yeah. 555 00:21:55,635 --> 00:21:56,967 Yeah. 556 00:21:57,051 --> 00:21:58,885 OK. 557 00:22:01,676 --> 00:22:04,092 ( sobbing softly ) 558 00:22:06,384 --> 00:22:08,635 Hey, do me a favor. 559 00:22:08,718 --> 00:22:09,801 ( sniffles ) 560 00:22:09,885 --> 00:22:11,635 What? 561 00:22:11,718 --> 00:22:15,009 Don't tell my wife and kids, OK? 562 00:22:15,092 --> 00:22:16,801 I mean, I could really use the break. 563 00:22:16,885 --> 00:22:20,217 That's not a problem. I've never met 'em. 564 00:22:34,551 --> 00:22:36,967 Gary: Ma'am. 565 00:22:38,593 --> 00:22:39,926 OK. 566 00:22:41,051 --> 00:22:42,760 Tom's making a move on New York, 567 00:22:42,843 --> 00:22:46,593 so you get ahold of Governor Schnozzlestein right now, 568 00:22:46,676 --> 00:22:48,343 you tell him I want to see him tonight. 569 00:22:48,426 --> 00:22:50,426 I'm not gonna let them take this from me. 570 00:22:50,509 --> 00:22:52,509 - Gary: Hmm. - OK? Go. 571 00:22:52,593 --> 00:22:54,760 ( Selina chuckles ) OK. 572 00:22:57,593 --> 00:22:59,509 Can't say I blame you. 573 00:22:59,593 --> 00:23:03,635 I mean, that Nutmeg State indefinable really turns my hydrant on. 574 00:23:03,718 --> 00:23:04,967 The only difference is 575 00:23:05,051 --> 00:23:08,134 that I was the most exciting conquest of his life, 576 00:23:08,217 --> 00:23:11,384 and you just had the motel room closest to the ice machine. 577 00:23:11,468 --> 00:23:12,967 I don't know what you're talking about, 578 00:23:13,051 --> 00:23:14,551 because I am the Senator's chief of staff-- 579 00:23:14,635 --> 00:23:16,009 Yeah, yeah, yeah, for now, 580 00:23:16,092 --> 00:23:18,843 but trust me, he will never see you 581 00:23:18,926 --> 00:23:22,967 as anything other than the TGI Friday's hostess on Proactiv 582 00:23:23,051 --> 00:23:25,635 who lets him bend you over his desk 583 00:23:25,718 --> 00:23:29,009 while you close your eyes to avoid coming face-to-face 584 00:23:29,092 --> 00:23:32,259 with that framed photo of his family's trip to Aspen 585 00:23:32,343 --> 00:23:36,134 while he drowns your Little Mermaid back tat 586 00:23:36,217 --> 00:23:38,509 in a pool of jizz 587 00:23:38,593 --> 00:23:40,301 and admires his own reflection. 588 00:23:40,384 --> 00:23:41,967 - Jesus. - Wow! 589 00:23:42,051 --> 00:23:43,635 I just hate to see smart women 590 00:23:43,718 --> 00:23:47,051 throw away their political careers on powerful men 591 00:23:47,134 --> 00:23:50,843 who only see them as the gash of least resistance. 592 00:23:52,259 --> 00:23:53,676 Mmm. 593 00:23:56,176 --> 00:24:00,092 I mean, you strike me as a smart woman. 594 00:24:00,176 --> 00:24:02,176 Are you? 595 00:24:02,259 --> 00:24:03,384 Yeah, well... 596 00:24:06,426 --> 00:24:08,176 New York is in the bag. 597 00:24:10,134 --> 00:24:12,718 - ( chatter ) - Selina: Congressman, 598 00:24:12,801 --> 00:24:14,760 - how do you take your coffee? - Decaf. 599 00:24:14,843 --> 00:24:16,551 - Mnh-mnh. - No? Oh. 600 00:24:16,635 --> 00:24:19,134 Yup. Here we go. 601 00:24:19,217 --> 00:24:21,635 So Congressman, tell me something. 602 00:24:21,718 --> 00:24:24,926 What can we offer up to the Montana delegation 603 00:24:25,009 --> 00:24:26,593 that would really dick-slap 'em? 604 00:24:26,676 --> 00:24:27,926 And I mean that in a good way, of course. 605 00:24:28,009 --> 00:24:29,967 Tom: Get your fucking hands off me! 606 00:24:30,051 --> 00:24:31,259 Where is she?! 607 00:24:31,343 --> 00:24:33,509 You fucking monster! 608 00:24:33,593 --> 00:24:35,343 Excuse me for half a sec. 609 00:24:35,426 --> 00:24:36,801 You soulless, conniving cunt! 610 00:24:36,885 --> 00:24:39,676 I don't know what you're talking about. 611 00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:41,760 Oh! Unless it's this... 612 00:24:41,843 --> 00:24:44,926 - right here? - The moment I began working for Senator James, 613 00:24:45,009 --> 00:24:49,635 his behavior was unprofessional in a sexual manner. 614 00:24:49,718 --> 00:24:51,926 - Is that the problem? - Oh, fuck! 615 00:24:52,009 --> 00:24:54,092 Senator James took advantage of his power over me. 616 00:24:54,176 --> 00:24:57,384 - Tom: He did what?! - I had to endure sex acts 617 00:24:57,468 --> 00:24:59,926 - that included... - Yeah, it's so great. 618 00:25:00,009 --> 00:25:02,635 - What did you offer her? - I didn't offer her anything. 619 00:25:02,718 --> 00:25:04,551 I mean, I helped her with the wording. 620 00:25:04,635 --> 00:25:06,134 - Oh, this-- - Shh! Shh! Look. 621 00:25:06,217 --> 00:25:07,926 This is my favorite part right here, actually. 622 00:25:08,009 --> 00:25:09,343 I was just this naive, 623 00:25:09,426 --> 00:25:11,885 innocent young woman who had dreams... 624 00:25:11,967 --> 00:25:13,676 "Innocent young woman." ( laughing ) 625 00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:15,551 That's hilarious, don't you think? 626 00:25:15,635 --> 00:25:17,801 But that girl doesn't exist anymore. 627 00:25:17,885 --> 00:25:19,301 She's dead! 628 00:25:19,384 --> 00:25:21,051 - Murdered by Tom James. - Oh, yeah. 629 00:25:21,134 --> 00:25:24,259 That is actually all me. I will take credit for that. 630 00:25:24,343 --> 00:25:27,176 She didn't want to do it, but I was like, "You've got to!" 631 00:25:27,259 --> 00:25:30,343 My wife, my pregnant wife, is not answering the phone. 632 00:25:30,426 --> 00:25:33,343 I am now a national fuckin' pariah! 633 00:25:33,426 --> 00:25:34,676 Why would you do this, Selina? 634 00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:36,967 I guess that the Tom James charm 635 00:25:37,051 --> 00:25:38,676 only goes so far with the ladies. 636 00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:40,426 I mean, that's one theory, but-- 637 00:25:40,509 --> 00:25:42,176 Oh, listen, while I've got you. 638 00:25:42,259 --> 00:25:45,217 Is it OK if I don't wave to you from the stage? 639 00:25:45,301 --> 00:25:49,217 Because with all of this, I need to keep my distance. 640 00:25:49,301 --> 00:25:51,176 You understand that, right? Excuse me. 641 00:25:51,259 --> 00:25:54,885 I'm so sorry for that little minor interruption. 642 00:25:54,967 --> 00:25:57,468 What the fuck are you? 643 00:25:57,551 --> 00:25:58,635 Bye, Tom. 644 00:26:01,092 --> 00:26:02,468 Toodle-oo. 645 00:26:04,509 --> 00:26:06,551 So emotional, right? 646 00:26:06,635 --> 00:26:09,176 This is why we need a woman in office. 647 00:26:09,259 --> 00:26:12,760 ( Selina laughing ) 648 00:26:12,843 --> 00:26:16,635 So? What else do we need to talk about? 649 00:26:16,718 --> 00:26:18,009 Federal lands. 650 00:26:18,092 --> 00:26:19,885 They need to be protected. 651 00:26:19,967 --> 00:26:22,635 - We need more drilling. - For drilling purposes. 652 00:26:22,718 --> 00:26:24,217 Let's frack the crap out of it. 653 00:26:24,301 --> 00:26:25,885 Selina: Governor Calhoun, 654 00:26:25,967 --> 00:26:27,593 what do I have to do to get your support? 655 00:26:27,676 --> 00:26:29,092 President Meyer, I'm a simple man. 656 00:26:29,176 --> 00:26:31,051 - I see that. Oh, uh-huh. - Of faith. 657 00:26:31,134 --> 00:26:32,760 But after this bathroom incident... 658 00:26:32,843 --> 00:26:35,051 That was just an accident. Really. 659 00:26:35,134 --> 00:26:36,384 Free to pee, you and me, right? 660 00:26:36,468 --> 00:26:38,092 - ( Kent laughing ) - Madam President, 661 00:26:38,176 --> 00:26:40,843 homosexuality is no laughing matter. 662 00:26:40,926 --> 00:26:41,967 - OK. - Pernicious. 663 00:26:42,051 --> 00:26:43,343 Homosexuals are luring 664 00:26:43,426 --> 00:26:46,343 decent, God-fearing heterosexual men 665 00:26:46,426 --> 00:26:50,551 into sin and sweaty degradation. 666 00:26:50,635 --> 00:26:53,259 ( inhales, exhales ) Mmm. 667 00:26:53,343 --> 00:26:56,259 You know, Buddy, I gotta tell you something. 668 00:26:56,343 --> 00:26:59,092 It-- It happens, and... 669 00:26:59,176 --> 00:27:01,676 - you can't beat yourself up about it. - What? 670 00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:04,509 - Never mind. I hear what you're saying. - Kent: Let's move forward. 671 00:27:04,593 --> 00:27:07,843 Yes. Governor, I am prepared to offer you 672 00:27:07,926 --> 00:27:09,967 Secretary of Education. 673 00:27:11,176 --> 00:27:12,593 Well, ma'am... 674 00:27:12,676 --> 00:27:13,593 How 'bout that? 675 00:27:13,676 --> 00:27:15,009 As excited as I would be 676 00:27:15,092 --> 00:27:17,217 to remove dinosaur theory from the curriculum, 677 00:27:17,301 --> 00:27:21,343 I am just a little bit uneasy about all this Meyer Fund scuttlebutt... 678 00:27:21,426 --> 00:27:22,635 I'll kill gay marriage. 679 00:27:22,718 --> 00:27:25,718 In exchange for your support, 680 00:27:25,801 --> 00:27:28,009 I will raw-dog a plank 681 00:27:28,092 --> 00:27:30,468 right up our party's platform, 682 00:27:30,551 --> 00:27:34,801 and I will outlaw same-sex marriage. 683 00:27:34,885 --> 00:27:36,885 Governor, can I get an amen? 684 00:27:36,967 --> 00:27:39,926 You can get an amen, and I'll throw in a hallelujah, 685 00:27:40,009 --> 00:27:41,551 - I love it. - and my endorsement. 686 00:27:41,635 --> 00:27:43,885 - Thank you, sir. Wonderful! - Wow. Wow. Yeah! 687 00:27:43,967 --> 00:27:46,468 - I think we're buddies now, aren't we? - Oh, yeah, very much. 688 00:27:46,551 --> 00:27:48,885 Can you be a buddy with someone of the opposite sex? 689 00:27:48,967 --> 00:27:51,967 Well, under certain circumstances. Yeah, we are. 690 00:27:52,051 --> 00:27:53,843 - So, Buddy up! - All: Buddy up! 691 00:27:53,926 --> 00:27:56,885 That's a great expression. Thank you so, so much. 692 00:27:56,967 --> 00:28:00,551 He is not just gay, he is Sam Rayburn gay. 693 00:28:00,635 --> 00:28:01,967 Impressive negotiation, ma'am, 694 00:28:02,051 --> 00:28:05,718 but we are still approximately 662 votes short. 695 00:28:05,801 --> 00:28:07,551 - I am well aware. - Good. 696 00:28:07,635 --> 00:28:08,801 ( door opens ) 697 00:28:08,885 --> 00:28:11,134 Ma'am. You wanted to see me? 698 00:28:11,217 --> 00:28:12,426 That's incorrect. 699 00:28:13,426 --> 00:28:15,217 Ugh. Not in that outfit. 700 00:28:15,301 --> 00:28:16,676 But yeah, come on in. 701 00:28:16,760 --> 00:28:18,092 Amy, um... 702 00:28:20,092 --> 00:28:21,259 um... 703 00:28:25,801 --> 00:28:28,509 I want to offer Jonah the V.P. slot. 704 00:28:28,593 --> 00:28:30,009 - Both: What? - Yeah. 705 00:28:30,092 --> 00:28:31,593 It's the only move we have left now, 706 00:28:31,676 --> 00:28:33,343 and we're gonna have to get it done today. 707 00:28:33,426 --> 00:28:35,843 Ma'am, there are still numerous permutations 708 00:28:35,926 --> 00:28:37,593 that can play out here. You don't have to do this. 709 00:28:37,676 --> 00:28:40,593 Do the goddamn Islamic math. You're the numbers guy. 710 00:28:40,676 --> 00:28:41,926 Fuck the numbers! 711 00:28:42,009 --> 00:28:43,718 I will not be part of a campaign, 712 00:28:43,801 --> 00:28:45,551 let alone an administration, 713 00:28:45,635 --> 00:28:48,051 that includes Jonah Ryan as vice president! 714 00:28:48,134 --> 00:28:50,301 That is an entirely unacceptable outcome. 715 00:28:50,384 --> 00:28:53,301 Amy, you wanna talk some sense into him? 716 00:28:53,384 --> 00:28:55,843 - Don't do it. - What? 717 00:28:55,926 --> 00:28:59,635 Don't... make Jonah your V.P. 718 00:28:59,718 --> 00:29:01,343 Wow, you know what I just remembered? 719 00:29:01,426 --> 00:29:05,468 You are a terrible campaign manager. 720 00:29:05,551 --> 00:29:08,051 Ma'am, you can't let an embittered, vindictive, 721 00:29:08,134 --> 00:29:12,217 narcissistic man-child be one heartbeat away from the presidency, 722 00:29:12,301 --> 00:29:13,967 let alone be the president. 723 00:29:14,051 --> 00:29:17,426 There's no safer place to stick Jonah Ryan 724 00:29:17,509 --> 00:29:19,384 in all of Washington, D.C. 725 00:29:19,468 --> 00:29:23,009 Being vice president is like being declawed, 726 00:29:23,092 --> 00:29:25,343 defanged, neutered, 727 00:29:25,426 --> 00:29:29,343 ball-gagged, and sealed in an abandoned coal mine 728 00:29:29,426 --> 00:29:33,051 under two miles of human shit! 729 00:29:33,134 --> 00:29:36,217 It is a fate worse than death. 730 00:29:36,301 --> 00:29:38,176 Besides, I'm not gonna die, 731 00:29:38,259 --> 00:29:40,259 'cause I got the heart and the twat 732 00:29:40,343 --> 00:29:43,509 of a high school cheerleader who's only done anal! 733 00:29:43,593 --> 00:29:46,926 - I am begging you, please... - Ma'am, entreating, 734 00:29:47,009 --> 00:29:48,676 - supplicating, beseeching... - Think of-- 735 00:29:48,760 --> 00:29:51,009 Enough! 736 00:29:51,092 --> 00:29:53,676 I didn't come to North Carolina to lose. 737 00:29:53,760 --> 00:29:55,801 I don't even like to change planes here. 738 00:29:55,885 --> 00:29:58,509 Jonah Ryan is gonna be the vice president. You got it? 739 00:29:58,593 --> 00:30:00,343 And that's final. So get off your knees 740 00:30:00,426 --> 00:30:03,967 and cut out this melodramatic bullshit! 741 00:30:04,051 --> 00:30:06,509 - Let's go. - ( distant cheering ) 742 00:30:07,885 --> 00:30:09,967 - What's the rush? - Oh, hey-hey! 743 00:30:10,051 --> 00:30:11,718 You're my guy! 744 00:30:13,635 --> 00:30:16,635 - OK, so I think we know why we are here. - Yes, ma'am. 745 00:30:16,718 --> 00:30:18,926 - Yes, we do. - I don't know why we are here. 746 00:30:19,009 --> 00:30:21,801 Me neither. But I love meeting new people. 747 00:30:21,885 --> 00:30:24,134 She is offering you vice president, 748 00:30:24,217 --> 00:30:26,509 you monument to vaginal dryness. 749 00:30:31,176 --> 00:30:32,217 Well, then, no. 750 00:30:33,551 --> 00:30:35,176 I'm sorry? 751 00:30:35,259 --> 00:30:37,051 I said no. As in never. 752 00:30:37,134 --> 00:30:39,635 I will be president, or I will be nothing. 753 00:30:39,718 --> 00:30:41,967 And in fact, if I don't get the nomination, 754 00:30:42,051 --> 00:30:44,801 I might run as a third party just to fuck your shit up. 755 00:30:44,926 --> 00:30:48,635 Shut the fuck up, you gum-recessed face-anus! 756 00:30:48,718 --> 00:30:51,926 Don't you see you've just been offered the second-most powerful job 757 00:30:52,009 --> 00:30:53,259 in the world?! 758 00:30:53,343 --> 00:30:55,217 No, you shut up, Uncle Jeff! 759 00:30:55,301 --> 00:30:58,176 I will not let anyone speak to me like that. 760 00:30:58,259 --> 00:31:00,426 - President or nothing? - Yeah! 761 00:31:00,509 --> 00:31:03,801 - Ow! - Are you kidding me? You cockless cockroach! 762 00:31:03,885 --> 00:31:06,509 You pile of failure shaped like a rapist! 763 00:31:06,593 --> 00:31:08,301 I am not shaped like a rapist! 764 00:31:08,384 --> 00:31:11,593 ...with my car, like I did in kindergarten! 765 00:31:11,676 --> 00:31:13,676 ...figure out what the fuck you were! 766 00:31:13,760 --> 00:31:15,176 ...with purpose and repetition! 767 00:31:15,259 --> 00:31:17,176 OK, fine! Jesus fuckin' Christ, 768 00:31:17,259 --> 00:31:19,967 I'll be vice president, just stop yelling at me! 769 00:31:20,051 --> 00:31:22,551 - Selina: All right, fine. - Crisis is now averted. 770 00:31:22,635 --> 00:31:24,509 - No. I have one condition. - Oh, shit. 771 00:31:24,593 --> 00:31:27,259 - I want my best friend Richard-- - And your only friend. 772 00:31:27,343 --> 00:31:30,760 I want Richard to be Secretary of farm shit. 773 00:31:30,843 --> 00:31:33,009 Selina and Amy: We'll have to fire Dan. 774 00:31:33,092 --> 00:31:34,635 Why do you want to fire him? 775 00:31:34,718 --> 00:31:38,134 Just as a way of saying sorry for yelling at you earlier. 776 00:31:38,217 --> 00:31:39,843 You know, feminism. 777 00:31:39,926 --> 00:31:41,718 That sounds great. Fire Dan. He sucks. 778 00:31:41,801 --> 00:31:43,718 Mazel tov, Selina, mazel tov. 779 00:31:43,801 --> 00:31:45,885 - Thank you, Sherman. - When you have a sec, 780 00:31:45,967 --> 00:31:48,259 I want to talk to you about one of the biggest challenges facing the country 781 00:31:48,343 --> 00:31:50,217 - in the 21st century. - Sure. Tell me right now. 782 00:31:50,301 --> 00:31:52,176 Casino licenses in Macao. 783 00:31:52,259 --> 00:31:54,676 - Did you hear that, Keith? - Keith: I did. 784 00:31:54,760 --> 00:31:57,635 - OK, Macao. - Catherine: How could you? Tell me that it is not true. 785 00:31:57,718 --> 00:32:00,217 Catherine, I'm right in the middle of something. 786 00:32:00,301 --> 00:32:02,718 Tell me that you did not just trade away 787 00:32:02,801 --> 00:32:05,926 - same-sex marriage - Can you believe I'm having to deal with this right now? 788 00:32:06,009 --> 00:32:09,468 - to get Buddy Calhoun's endorsement! - It is just the party platform. 789 00:32:09,551 --> 00:32:12,843 It's like a to-do list of things we're not gonna do. 790 00:32:12,926 --> 00:32:14,426 "Restore faith in democracy"? 791 00:32:14,509 --> 00:32:17,217 We couldn't do that even if we wanted to. 792 00:32:17,301 --> 00:32:20,593 You cannot do this. I will never forgive you. 793 00:32:20,676 --> 00:32:24,009 If I had a dollar for every "Mother, I will never forgive you..." 794 00:32:24,092 --> 00:32:25,676 - Bazillionaire. - Correct. 795 00:32:25,760 --> 00:32:28,593 Now listen, Mommy's got a lot of work to do right now. 796 00:32:28,676 --> 00:32:31,051 I have to write the press release for my V.P. pick. 797 00:32:31,134 --> 00:32:32,718 - There you go. - Thank you very much. 798 00:32:32,801 --> 00:32:35,301 - Why is Jonah helping you? - Started from the bottom, 799 00:32:35,384 --> 00:32:37,343 now we here. Bwacka! Bwacka! Bwacka! 800 00:32:37,426 --> 00:32:39,176 ( Beth laughing ) 801 00:32:39,259 --> 00:32:42,301 - Oh, my God. - Are you out of your fucking mind, 802 00:32:42,384 --> 00:32:43,635 Gram-Ma'am? 803 00:32:43,718 --> 00:32:46,009 Oh-- No. Oh, my God. OK. 804 00:32:46,092 --> 00:32:47,926 I will never forgive you for this! 805 00:32:48,009 --> 00:32:49,551 - Mmm? Yep. - Ka-ching. 806 00:32:49,635 --> 00:32:50,760 I'm sorry about that, folks. 807 00:32:50,843 --> 00:32:52,635 That's OK. Cheers, ma'am. 808 00:32:52,718 --> 00:32:56,343 Mike: And on this history-making 11th ballot, Jane, 809 00:32:56,426 --> 00:32:57,551 it looks like the convention 810 00:32:57,635 --> 00:32:59,801 will finally have its nominee. 811 00:32:59,885 --> 00:33:01,967 North Carolina Delegate: ...great state of North Carolina, 812 00:33:02,051 --> 00:33:06,009 the home of historically black Fayetteville State University 813 00:33:06,092 --> 00:33:09,134 and historically white Duke University, 814 00:33:09,217 --> 00:33:12,384 would like to yield to the great state of Maryland! 815 00:33:12,468 --> 00:33:14,593 Maryland Delegate: Mr. Chairman, I move 816 00:33:14,676 --> 00:33:18,176 that Selina Meyer be selected by this convention 817 00:33:18,259 --> 00:33:21,593 by acclimation as our nominee 818 00:33:21,676 --> 00:33:25,217 for President of the United States! 819 00:33:25,301 --> 00:33:26,760 Roger: All those in favor 820 00:33:26,843 --> 00:33:29,176 of nominating President Selena Meyer 821 00:33:29,259 --> 00:33:32,967 - by acclimation, say aye! - Crowd: Aye! 822 00:33:33,051 --> 00:33:35,343 - All opposed, please say no! The measure... - Crowd: No! 823 00:33:35,426 --> 00:33:36,967 is adopted! 824 00:33:37,051 --> 00:33:38,885 ( cheers and applause ) 825 00:33:38,967 --> 00:33:40,259 We did it! 826 00:33:40,343 --> 00:33:41,426 ( crowd cheering ) 827 00:33:44,426 --> 00:33:46,551 Selina ( voiceover ): I was three years old 828 00:33:46,635 --> 00:33:49,509 the first time my father put me on a horse, 829 00:33:49,593 --> 00:33:52,134 and I fell right off. 830 00:33:52,217 --> 00:33:54,343 ( crowd laughing ) 831 00:33:54,426 --> 00:33:56,051 ( crowd applauding ) 832 00:33:56,134 --> 00:33:58,885 Selina: They say experience is the best teacher, 833 00:33:58,967 --> 00:34:02,217 and although my own daughter never learned to ride well, 834 00:34:02,301 --> 00:34:04,926 I've made it my mission in life to teach... 835 00:34:05,009 --> 00:34:07,176 I waited a long time for this. 836 00:34:07,259 --> 00:34:09,760 Yeah, but this Meyer Fund thing isn't going away. 837 00:34:09,843 --> 00:34:12,134 It's stickier than a red wine-and-curry dump. 838 00:34:12,217 --> 00:34:14,259 - Oh! - We can't have a damaged nominee. 839 00:34:14,343 --> 00:34:16,885 - I know. - Somebody's gonna go down for this, Selina. 840 00:34:16,967 --> 00:34:19,092 Like myself on any traveling German businessman 841 00:34:19,176 --> 00:34:21,384 - at a Dubuque Radisson breakfast-- - Not now, Will! 842 00:34:21,468 --> 00:34:22,843 Read the room! 843 00:34:22,926 --> 00:34:24,593 Somebody's gotta go down for this. 844 00:34:24,676 --> 00:34:27,926 I just said I know, Roger. 845 00:34:28,009 --> 00:34:31,051 - Thank you. Thank you. - Gary: Look who I found. 846 00:34:31,134 --> 00:34:32,718 Oh, hey, John. 847 00:34:32,801 --> 00:34:37,051 Yeah, so I'm gonna take two more lines from your speech, OK? 848 00:34:37,134 --> 00:34:40,885 - Here, OK? - That's about me waking up in a hospital bed in Kabul 849 00:34:40,967 --> 00:34:42,301 after the IED attack. 850 00:34:42,384 --> 00:34:43,718 I'm gonna tweak it. 851 00:34:43,801 --> 00:34:46,384 And I'm sorry about the whole vice presidency thing, 852 00:34:46,468 --> 00:34:47,843 but I knew you'd understand. 853 00:34:47,926 --> 00:34:50,676 Oh. So you'll probably want to cut the line 854 00:34:50,760 --> 00:34:54,217 about you being the vice president. Right? 855 00:34:54,301 --> 00:34:56,176 Yeah. OK. Let's go. 856 00:34:56,259 --> 00:35:00,259 Selina: ...and pass it on to the next generation in spades. 857 00:35:00,343 --> 00:35:03,718 Over the years I may have been thrown off a few times, 858 00:35:03,801 --> 00:35:07,843 but like my daddy taught me, you always get right back on-- 859 00:35:07,926 --> 00:35:10,259 like America. 860 00:35:10,343 --> 00:35:14,426 Announcer: And now, to introduce our party's nominee... 861 00:35:14,509 --> 00:35:17,718 - Right. Break a leg. - Gary: Oooh. 862 00:35:17,801 --> 00:35:20,092 ...John DeVito of Ohio! 863 00:35:20,176 --> 00:35:21,426 ( music playing ) 864 00:35:21,509 --> 00:35:22,967 Come on, come on. 865 00:35:23,051 --> 00:35:24,593 ( cheers and applause ) 866 00:35:24,676 --> 00:35:27,259 It'd be faster just to lay down and roll. 867 00:35:27,343 --> 00:35:29,009 Hello. I'm John DeVito. 868 00:35:29,092 --> 00:35:30,926 And like the soldiers I served with, 869 00:35:31,009 --> 00:35:32,885 I'm here to talk tonight about a woman 870 00:35:32,967 --> 00:35:34,551 who always keeps her word. 871 00:35:34,635 --> 00:35:37,217 Are you ready for the Dubonnet? 872 00:35:37,301 --> 00:35:39,009 - Hey, Gary? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 873 00:35:39,092 --> 00:35:41,676 I need you to do something for me. 874 00:35:41,760 --> 00:35:43,967 - You got something in your teeth. Hold on. - Oh. Sorry. 875 00:35:44,051 --> 00:35:46,801 Anyway, listen, it's kind of important, actually, 876 00:35:46,885 --> 00:35:48,676 - and I would also say... - OK, yeah. "Ahh." 877 00:35:48,760 --> 00:35:50,926 - ...that's it's not easy... - Gary: OK. 878 00:35:51,009 --> 00:35:53,967 uh, and it's kinda also not fair. 879 00:35:54,051 --> 00:35:55,635 You want coffee from across the street? 880 00:35:55,718 --> 00:35:57,384 - Uh-- - Yeah? 881 00:35:57,468 --> 00:36:00,509 Ah! I got it. Little chia seed. 882 00:36:00,593 --> 00:36:02,009 Nah, never mind. 883 00:36:02,092 --> 00:36:03,801 Forget I ever said anything. 884 00:36:03,885 --> 00:36:05,092 You look beautiful. 885 00:36:05,176 --> 00:36:07,343 ( chuckles ) And you are a lifesaver. 886 00:36:07,426 --> 00:36:08,801 Aww. Oh, come on. 887 00:36:08,885 --> 00:36:11,551 Yeah. I couldn't have done it without ya. 888 00:36:11,635 --> 00:36:14,134 You don't have to worry, I'm not going anywhere. 889 00:36:14,217 --> 00:36:16,051 Announcer: ...the next President 890 00:36:16,134 --> 00:36:18,967 of the United States of America, Selina Meyer! 891 00:36:19,051 --> 00:36:22,635 - ( cheers and applause ) - ( music playing ) 892 00:36:26,384 --> 00:36:28,009 Selina: Thank you! 893 00:36:28,092 --> 00:36:30,718 Thank you! 894 00:36:30,801 --> 00:36:33,092 I am Selina Meyer, 895 00:36:33,176 --> 00:36:37,176 and I proudly accept your nomination 896 00:36:37,259 --> 00:36:41,468 for President of the United States of America! 897 00:36:41,551 --> 00:36:43,343 ( cheers and applause ) 898 00:36:43,426 --> 00:36:45,509 Even if it took a while! 899 00:36:45,593 --> 00:36:47,468 ( Selina laughing ) 900 00:36:47,551 --> 00:36:50,301 The journey that we begin tonight 901 00:36:50,384 --> 00:36:53,343 has been many, many years in the making, 902 00:36:53,426 --> 00:36:57,426 and it all started in Kabul. 903 00:36:57,509 --> 00:37:00,384 Waking up in a... 904 00:37:00,468 --> 00:37:01,801 hotel bed... 905 00:37:01,885 --> 00:37:04,635 That DeVito's a helluva speechwriter. 906 00:37:04,718 --> 00:37:06,176 Good evening, Mr. Cafferty! 907 00:37:06,259 --> 00:37:08,217 You ready for your sponge bath? 908 00:37:08,301 --> 00:37:10,176 Call me Ben. 909 00:37:10,259 --> 00:37:12,551 ...to make the world a safer, 910 00:37:12,635 --> 00:37:14,801 cleaner, better place! 911 00:37:14,885 --> 00:37:16,176 - Man: Yeah! - ( cheering ) 912 00:37:16,259 --> 00:37:18,051 So? What did we get? 913 00:37:18,134 --> 00:37:21,384 President Meyer offered me Secretary of Agriculture. 914 00:37:21,468 --> 00:37:22,926 Yes, Richard! 915 00:37:23,009 --> 00:37:24,718 Secretary of Swag-riculture! 916 00:37:24,801 --> 00:37:26,635 Oh, my God. Yes! 917 00:37:26,718 --> 00:37:28,384 I'm goin' back to Washington, baby! 918 00:37:28,468 --> 00:37:30,384 - But-- - No "buts," Richard. 919 00:37:30,468 --> 00:37:33,217 For once in your life, don't think so much, just say yes. 920 00:37:33,301 --> 00:37:35,051 - Yes. - Good man. 921 00:37:35,134 --> 00:37:37,551 But the "but" was: "But you have to fire Dan." 922 00:37:37,635 --> 00:37:40,134 - So I guess you're fired. - What? 923 00:37:40,217 --> 00:37:41,635 Thanks for making this easy on me. 924 00:37:41,718 --> 00:37:44,259 Ohhh. I gotta get out of politics. 925 00:37:44,343 --> 00:37:46,509 To be honest, I never thought you were really cut out for it, anyway. 926 00:37:46,593 --> 00:37:48,885 Selina: Finally, I wanted to say 927 00:37:48,967 --> 00:37:51,217 a word about sacrifice. 928 00:37:51,301 --> 00:37:55,384 It means to lose something... 929 00:37:55,468 --> 00:37:57,509 for the greater good. 930 00:37:57,593 --> 00:37:59,426 And when I look back 931 00:37:59,509 --> 00:38:01,134 on my 52 years, 932 00:38:01,217 --> 00:38:05,509 with almost 30 of them spent in public service... 933 00:38:05,593 --> 00:38:09,760 - Gary: What's going on? - ...there is no one who has sacrificed 934 00:38:09,843 --> 00:38:12,343 more than me. 935 00:38:15,509 --> 00:38:20,343 And there's nothing anyone can do to stop me 936 00:38:20,426 --> 00:38:24,967 from standing and walking for my country! 937 00:38:25,051 --> 00:38:26,176 Thank you, 938 00:38:26,259 --> 00:38:29,217 and God bless America! 939 00:38:29,301 --> 00:38:31,092 ( cheers and applause ) 940 00:38:31,176 --> 00:38:34,718 ♪ Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnny Ray... ♪ 941 00:38:34,801 --> 00:38:37,009 ( indistinct ) 942 00:38:37,092 --> 00:38:38,593 Oh! God. 943 00:38:38,676 --> 00:38:40,343 We got this. 944 00:38:40,426 --> 00:38:43,301 - Oh. We did it. We did it. - Yes. 945 00:38:43,384 --> 00:38:44,885 ( sustained cheering ) 946 00:38:44,967 --> 00:38:47,301 ♪ We didn't start the fire ♪ 947 00:38:47,384 --> 00:38:51,301 ♪ It was always burning since the world's been turning ♪ 948 00:38:51,384 --> 00:38:53,967 ♪ We didn't start the fire ♪ 949 00:38:54,051 --> 00:38:57,801 ♪ No, we didn't light it, but we tried to fight it ♪ 950 00:38:57,885 --> 00:39:00,843 ♪ Little Rock, Pasternak, Mickey Mantle, Kerouac ♪ 951 00:39:00,926 --> 00:39:02,801 ♪ Sputnik, Chou En-lai ♪ 952 00:39:02,885 --> 00:39:04,760 - ♪ "Bridge on the River Kwai" ♪ - Wonderful! 953 00:39:04,843 --> 00:39:06,343 ♪ Lebanon, Charles de Gaulle ♪ 954 00:39:06,426 --> 00:39:07,843 ♪ California baseball ♪ 955 00:39:07,926 --> 00:39:09,509 ♪ Starkweather, homicide ♪ 956 00:39:09,593 --> 00:39:11,635 ♪ Children of thalidomide... ♪ 957 00:39:11,718 --> 00:39:14,426 - Ah-ahh! - ( woman squealing ) 958 00:39:14,509 --> 00:39:16,509 - Congratulations, ma'am. - Thank you! 959 00:39:16,593 --> 00:39:18,551 We're going back to the White House! 960 00:39:18,635 --> 00:39:20,593 Congratulations to you, Amy! 961 00:39:20,676 --> 00:39:24,009 - Thank you! - You're gonna be Jonah's chief of staff. 962 00:39:24,092 --> 00:39:25,801 - Huh? - I don't like the way 963 00:39:25,885 --> 00:39:27,926 you talked to me the other day. 964 00:39:28,009 --> 00:39:29,885 Amy: Uh-huh. 965 00:39:29,967 --> 00:39:33,051 - Yeah. Yeah. - ♪ We didn't start the fire... ♪ 966 00:39:33,134 --> 00:39:34,384 Selina: Yes! 967 00:39:37,551 --> 00:39:39,176 Jonah: ♪ He's a super veep ♪ 968 00:39:39,259 --> 00:39:41,259 ♪ Super veep, he's super veepy ♪ 969 00:39:41,343 --> 00:39:42,509 ♪ Bowww ♪ 970 00:39:42,593 --> 00:39:43,676 Hi, Sue. 971 00:39:43,760 --> 00:39:45,343 Sue, the Vice President 972 00:39:45,426 --> 00:39:47,468 would like a minute with the President. 973 00:39:47,551 --> 00:39:50,259 The President told me to pencil you in to half-past. Go fuck yourself. 974 00:39:50,343 --> 00:39:52,926 - Sue, when I am President... - You won't be. 975 00:39:53,009 --> 00:39:54,551 - if you want to work for me... - I don't. 976 00:39:54,635 --> 00:39:55,885 then I would start treating me 977 00:39:55,967 --> 00:39:57,343 with the respect that I deserve. 978 00:39:57,426 --> 00:39:59,176 - I am. - Sue, as Vice President 979 00:39:59,259 --> 00:40:00,885 of the United States, I order you 980 00:40:00,967 --> 00:40:03,092 to let me into the Oval Office! 981 00:40:04,760 --> 00:40:07,051 Goddamnit! 982 00:40:07,134 --> 00:40:08,384 I'm just gonna pop my head in. 983 00:40:08,468 --> 00:40:09,718 Nice to see you, Amy. 984 00:40:09,801 --> 00:40:11,051 ( groans ) 985 00:40:11,134 --> 00:40:13,176 Michelle: Ma'am, Joint Chiefs 986 00:40:13,259 --> 00:40:15,384 are getting a little squirrely about Chinese tank movements 987 00:40:15,468 --> 00:40:17,760 - near the Tibetan border. - What a bunch of pussies. 988 00:40:17,843 --> 00:40:20,551 And we're expecting a call from the Israeli prime minister 989 00:40:20,635 --> 00:40:22,134 about the Palestinian food riots. 990 00:40:22,217 --> 00:40:24,092 That reminds me, I'm starving. Gary! 991 00:40:24,176 --> 00:40:26,426 Oh. Ma'am, Gary doesn't work here. 992 00:40:26,509 --> 00:40:28,551 I know. Why are you telling me things that I already know? 993 00:40:28,635 --> 00:40:30,801 Sorry. But I would be more than happy 994 00:40:30,885 --> 00:40:32,676 to get you something to eat. What would you like? 995 00:40:32,760 --> 00:40:34,176 - You figure that out. - OK. 996 00:40:34,259 --> 00:40:35,843 Why am I coming up with solutions for you? 997 00:40:35,926 --> 00:40:37,426 That's your job, right? That's not my job. 998 00:40:37,509 --> 00:40:38,843 Both: Sorry, ma'am. 999 00:40:38,926 --> 00:40:40,509 The level of incompetence 1000 00:40:40,593 --> 00:40:42,384 in this office is just-- 1001 00:40:45,967 --> 00:40:47,217 ( exhales ) 1002 00:40:54,301 --> 00:40:56,217 Sue: Ma'am, the Israeli prime minister 1003 00:40:56,301 --> 00:40:58,926 is on line three. 1004 00:40:59,009 --> 00:41:01,760 David? Shalom. 1005 00:41:01,843 --> 00:41:04,384 So, what did the Palestinians do this time? 1006 00:41:04,468 --> 00:41:06,676 David, I have to tell you, my daughter Catherine 1007 00:41:06,760 --> 00:41:09,593 was exactly the same way-- a whiner. 1008 00:41:09,676 --> 00:41:11,635 Nyeh-- Yeah. Mm-hmm. 1009 00:41:11,718 --> 00:41:13,635 - ( whispers ) What? - This is your speech for this afternoon. 1010 00:41:13,718 --> 00:41:15,551 ( whispers ) Glasses. 1011 00:41:15,635 --> 00:41:17,301 Jesus Christ. 1012 00:41:17,384 --> 00:41:19,343 Oh, no, no, no. Not you, David. 1013 00:41:19,426 --> 00:41:20,885 Yes. 1014 00:41:20,967 --> 00:41:22,967 Well, tell me, 1015 00:41:23,051 --> 00:41:25,718 how can the United States help you? 1016 00:41:32,176 --> 00:41:34,468 ( music playing ) 1017 00:41:34,551 --> 00:41:36,843 Good afternoon, I'm Michael McLintock, 1018 00:41:36,926 --> 00:41:39,676 with live coverage of the funeral of Selina Meyer, 1019 00:41:39,760 --> 00:41:41,843 America's first woman president. 1020 00:41:41,926 --> 00:41:44,635 While she may have only served one full term, 1021 00:41:44,718 --> 00:41:46,343 Meyer is fondly remembered 1022 00:41:46,426 --> 00:41:48,509 for briefly freeing what was once known 1023 00:41:48,593 --> 00:41:50,259 as the nation of Tibet, 1024 00:41:50,343 --> 00:41:53,718 as well as for permanently overturning same-sex marriage. 1025 00:41:53,801 --> 00:41:56,509 The former president passed away earlier this week 1026 00:41:56,593 --> 00:41:59,509 at the age of 76 or possibly 77 1027 00:41:59,593 --> 00:42:01,676 or, according to some sources, 75. 1028 00:42:01,760 --> 00:42:03,593 After lying in state in the Capitol, 1029 00:42:03,676 --> 00:42:06,760 her casket made the journey to her final resting place: 1030 00:42:06,843 --> 00:42:08,843 the Selina Meyer Presidential Library 1031 00:42:08,926 --> 00:42:11,760 at Smith College in Northampton, Massachusetts. 1032 00:42:14,134 --> 00:42:16,718 Among the dignitaries personally selected by Selina Meyer 1033 00:42:16,801 --> 00:42:20,301 to sit in the front row are many former rivals 1034 00:42:20,384 --> 00:42:23,468 in a Meyer-esque gesture of grace and good will. 1035 00:42:25,009 --> 00:42:26,509 Former President Laura Montez, 1036 00:42:26,593 --> 00:42:27,843 the Dalai Lama, 1037 00:42:27,926 --> 00:42:29,885 former Vice President Andrew Doyle, 1038 00:42:29,967 --> 00:42:32,092 former two-term President Kemi Talbot, 1039 00:42:32,176 --> 00:42:33,593 who will deliver her eulogy... 1040 00:42:33,676 --> 00:42:35,176 How does Mike have more hair than I do? 1041 00:42:35,259 --> 00:42:37,635 Maybe because he has two testicles. 1042 00:42:37,718 --> 00:42:39,051 Jonah: Montez looks good. I'd still do her. 1043 00:42:39,134 --> 00:42:40,593 Beth: Count me in. 1044 00:42:40,676 --> 00:42:42,718 I didn't want to go to that stupid funeral anyway. 1045 00:42:42,801 --> 00:42:45,926 Then it's a good thing you got impeached, they didn't have to invite you. 1046 00:42:46,009 --> 00:42:48,468 - Marjorie: Catherine, you're missing it! - Catherine: Coming! 1047 00:42:48,551 --> 00:42:50,551 You know, Richard, there are few things in life 1048 00:42:50,635 --> 00:42:52,551 more difficult than the loss of a parent. 1049 00:42:52,635 --> 00:42:55,134 Who wants margaritas? Ha! 1050 00:42:55,217 --> 00:42:57,176 - Over here. - What did I miss? 1051 00:42:57,259 --> 00:42:59,051 Mike: The Presidential motorcade has arrived, 1052 00:42:59,134 --> 00:43:01,468 and here comes President of the United States 1053 00:43:01,551 --> 00:43:03,217 Richard Splett and the First Lady, 1054 00:43:03,301 --> 00:43:05,134 Annette Splett, somber but elegant, 1055 00:43:05,217 --> 00:43:08,009 basking in the glow of a landslide re-election 1056 00:43:08,092 --> 00:43:11,426 following President Splett's historic three-state solution 1057 00:43:11,509 --> 00:43:13,009 Middle East peace agreement, 1058 00:43:13,092 --> 00:43:15,509 for which he won the Nobel Prize. 1059 00:43:19,801 --> 00:43:21,217 Mourners: Amen. 1060 00:43:21,301 --> 00:43:24,926 We have 40 head of alpaca now, 17 on the way. 1061 00:43:25,009 --> 00:43:27,092 My daughter's stepping down from NASA 1062 00:43:27,176 --> 00:43:30,468 to take over the ranch so I can focus on my watch-making. 1063 00:43:30,551 --> 00:43:33,259 We didn't have kids. Best decision we ever made. 1064 00:43:33,343 --> 00:43:34,635 Best. Best. 1065 00:43:34,718 --> 00:43:36,593 Our greyhounds are our kids. 1066 00:43:36,676 --> 00:43:39,051 Kent, do you still keep in touch with Ben's widow? 1067 00:43:39,134 --> 00:43:40,509 - I forget her name. - No. 1068 00:43:40,593 --> 00:43:42,092 Betcha Ben did too. 1069 00:43:42,176 --> 00:43:44,593 Amazing he hung on as long as he did, the fat fuck. 1070 00:43:44,676 --> 00:43:46,635 - Excuse me. - Sorry. 1071 00:43:46,718 --> 00:43:48,760 - How long's it been, Ames? - Dan. 1072 00:43:48,843 --> 00:43:52,009 I think the last time I saw you, your wife was being born. 1073 00:43:52,092 --> 00:43:54,760 2019, yeah. Oh, and by the way, 1074 00:43:54,843 --> 00:43:57,426 if you guys ever want to buy or sell a piece of property 1075 00:43:57,509 --> 00:44:00,301 in the Laguna Beach area, I'm your guy. That's my cell. 1076 00:44:00,384 --> 00:44:04,468 You losers waitin' around to make sure she's actually dead while you sit in the back row 1077 00:44:04,551 --> 00:44:06,718 suckin' on hard candies like what, Will? 1078 00:44:06,801 --> 00:44:09,468 Uh... I like jizz. 1079 00:44:09,551 --> 00:44:11,885 Ah, shit. He ain't what he used to be. 1080 00:44:11,967 --> 00:44:14,051 Holy shit. Ames. 1081 00:44:14,134 --> 00:44:15,718 Check it out. 1082 00:44:15,801 --> 00:44:18,551 I didn't think he'd show. 1083 00:44:18,635 --> 00:44:20,343 I heard she never visited him. 1084 00:44:20,426 --> 00:44:22,176 Just keep walking. 1085 00:44:22,259 --> 00:44:24,259 ( takes deep breath ) 1086 00:44:27,551 --> 00:44:29,801 You'd hate the flowers. 1087 00:44:29,885 --> 00:44:31,509 But I... 1088 00:44:33,676 --> 00:44:35,343 I brought the Dubonnet. 1089 00:44:48,551 --> 00:44:50,843 ( "Veep" theme music playing ) 1090 00:44:50,926 --> 00:44:53,092 ( metallic clattering ) 1091 00:44:53,176 --> 00:44:55,843 Mike: And it looks like the soldiers are having a little trouble. 1092 00:44:55,926 --> 00:44:57,551 They're fumbling around the crypt, 1093 00:44:57,635 --> 00:44:59,676 but they cannot seem to get it to respond in any way. 1094 00:44:59,760 --> 00:45:01,384 Typical. 1095 00:45:09,051 --> 00:45:10,593 But now they've got it... 1096 00:45:10,676 --> 00:45:13,635 and there she goes, sliding right in there. 1097 00:45:13,718 --> 00:45:17,009 We will have more coverage of the funeral of President Selina Meyer. 1098 00:45:17,092 --> 00:45:21,051 But first, as someone who served with President Meyer for over two decades, 1099 00:45:21,134 --> 00:45:24,509 I feel I'd be remiss if I did not offer my own heartfelt eulogy 1100 00:45:24,593 --> 00:45:27,967 to a president who many feel was very underrated 1101 00:45:28,051 --> 00:45:29,635 and deserved m-- 1102 00:45:30,676 --> 00:45:32,593 I'm sorry. Breaking news. 1103 00:45:32,676 --> 00:45:34,092 I've just been told 1104 00:45:34,176 --> 00:45:37,551 that four-time Academy Award- winning actor Tom Hanks 1105 00:45:37,635 --> 00:45:39,718 has died at the age of 88. 1106 00:45:39,801 --> 00:45:42,843 The star of such Hollywood films as "Big," "Forrest Gump," 1107 00:45:42,926 --> 00:45:45,176 "Philadelphia" and "Philadelphia 2" 1108 00:45:45,259 --> 00:45:48,134 passed away in his Bel Air home after a long illness, 1109 00:45:48,217 --> 00:45:50,509 surrounded by his loving family. 1110 00:45:50,593 --> 00:45:53,217 Husband of actress Rita Wilson and father of four children, 1111 00:45:53,301 --> 00:45:54,926 Hanks was often considered 1112 00:45:55,009 --> 00:45:57,343 the finest actor of his generation, 1113 00:45:57,426 --> 00:45:59,801 an American everyman who could leap effortlessly 1114 00:45:59,885 --> 00:46:01,718 between comedy and drama, 1115 00:46:01,801 --> 00:46:04,468 and moved audiences both young and old. 1116 00:46:04,551 --> 00:46:07,009 Today the world mourns the loss 1117 00:46:07,092 --> 00:46:09,635 of this towering and beloved figure. 1118 00:46:11,801 --> 00:46:15,259 Let's take a look at the storied career of Tom Hanks, 1119 00:46:15,343 --> 00:46:16,676 American icon.